The Modern Whore Quarantine Survival Guide

Greetings from quarantine! To think, I went from gleefully dry-humping men for money to being woefully broke in a matter of days, and I know I'm not alone. This is our life now: trapped indoors, glued to our phones, watching every single show on Netflix until our eyes bleed. Since self-isolation is now self-preservation, I've whipped up some tips to lube us into our new socially-distanced digs and distract myself from the creeping existential dread. With pictures taken by Nicole Bazuin, naturally. Cooped up with your collaborator? That's a creative quarantine, baby.

The Modern Whore Quarantine Survival Guide is designed, first and foremost, to preserve the humanity, sanity, and vitality of sex workers. It is not a money-making manual for the pandemic era — mostly because I have no idea what the hell I'm gonna do financially, either — but a general guide for the sex worker reader who's just had her entire livelihood decimated by a deadly virus and must now, somehow, make the best of it.

Yes, it's f***ing stressful, but it's yet another opportunity to demonstrate our strength, resiliency, and the way we always show up for each other in the face of crisis. At the end of this guide, you will find an expansive list of regional sex worker emergency funds to donate to, or apply to if you are a sex worker in need.

This guide is also relevant to civilians — including those who have recently turned to selling nudes to make some “easy money.” (Hi! Yes, you are also a sex worker! Welcome to the movement and support sex work decriminalization or else.) Clients will also glean some insights from this guide, but most importantly: if you haven’t tipped your favourite sex worker yet, what are you even doin’?!

Remember always to be kind to yourself. We’re in this together. Solidarity.

We already know sex workers are great in the sack, but truly, has there ever been a better time in human history to never leave your bed? Get that beauty sleep, dream queen. Like Curtis Mayfield sang, “Your dream is your only scheme, so keep on pushing.” Our brains are working overtime tryin’ to figure out how the hell we’re gonna survive this pandemic both mentally and financially. So, put your noggin’ to rest! What you can’t figure out while you’re awake, your unconscious will sort out while you sleep.

When you arise, consider snapping a few heavily-filtered selfies — especially if you’re selling content right now — and send them as check-in’s to the friends and clients you love. They’ll appreciate it (and hopefully send a little $).

Eventually, you’ll have to get out of bed. Set yourself up with a light routine. Get up and make a caffeinated beverage. Do some light exercise. Eat a meal. Wash your face. Brush your teeth.

There are numerous free fitness tutorials on YouTube that offer excellent opportunities to stay physically active indoors. It pays to be limber, and releasing endorphins is a great (and free!) way to improve your mood. I’ve been doing daily yoga for 13 years, and it is my secret to keeping flexible, calm, and grounded — I highly recommend it! 

That being said, we’re all gonna look different after quarantine is over. Our weight will fluctuate. We may even age a few years from stress. Don’t beat yourself up about not exercising regularly, or maintaining a beauty standard unattainable during the best of times. Exercise to maintain your health, manage your mood, and to prevent your muscles from quarantine-induced atrophy — not to "get hot." Yes, as sex workers, our jobs require us to be attractive — but our jobs also require us to be alive. A few little stretches in the morning make a world of difference, and taking the time to breathe deeply also helps tremendously.

Speaking of managing mood and stress, let's talk about sobriety! I’ve been sober for almost a year and I know quarantine presents a huge relapse risk for most of us on this journey. Harlot Recovery is a great sex worker blog dedicated to the sober hustle that is focused on therapy, AA, and supporting sex workers through covid-19. 

Some quick tips for maintaining sobriety and sanity during quarantine include:

  • Connecting with your sober community. 
  • Structuring your day.
  • Keeping your mind occupied (take up crafts! Learn a new language! Enroll in an online course!) because we all know that boredom is a slippery sobriety slope. 

You got this!

Getting dressed in quarantine is, of course, optional. Don’t be discouraged from getting glammed to the fuckin’ nines while we exist in this strange, make-believe world. Glue on your falsies, drape yourself in your finest regalia and parade around your space like the #hotgirlquarantine queen you are… or, forget it! Grow out your pits, your pubes, your eyebrows! Eschew makeup and simplify your skin care regime! Quit washing your hair, grow out your nails, wear sweats 24/7, and most of all, feel no shame!

Personally, I’m “shave for pay.” If you’re not paying, I’m not shaving. Period!

Handshakes are cancelled, and even elbow bumps carry a virus transmission risk. (Don’t believe me? Read this article to be scared shitless.) In-person sex workers do a lot more than shake hands, and not all of us have the privilege to stop working or transition into online sex work. No shame! Maggie’s and Butterfly have created an excellent guide for sex workers who need to continue supporting themselves with in-person sex work during the pandemic. 

At this juncture, going outside and meeting with people beyond the “germ circle” of your living space remains risky. Have you tried saying hi with a booty-shake from 6 feet away? Or the tried and true spectacle of finger-guns? (More like finger-funs! Pow-pow! Help! I can’t stop!)

Another thing you can’t touch? Your face! You’re probably touching your face right now, which is why you should be washing your hands constantly. Be the handwasher you wish to see in the world. Wash your hands the way you’d want a client to wash his before initiating an unsolicited fingerbang — capish? (Unsolicited fingerbangs: another thing I don’t miss about working at the strip club.) If you must leave the house, disinfect everything you touch upon your return: door knobs, keys, sun/glasses, and most of all — your phone! And disinfect your inbox of timewasters while you’re at it!

If you have access to a sewing machine, quarantine is also a great time to make your own pandemic mask! Such fun, much craft! Homemade face masks offer 50% more protection against coronavirus than not wearing one at all, so what the hell, grab an old t-shirt (or bra!) and have at it.

There’s still time to grab essential items in preparation for a two week (or longer) quarantine. My vegan pantry staples include canned beans and tomatoes, quinoa, rice, lentils, onions, garlic, quick oats & oat milk, dates, and nuts. Fresh faves are sweet potatoes, carrots, and beets because they last a long-ass time in the fridge, and frozen food like kale and broccoli will last forever in the freezer. As a cook, I’m a slop connoisseur. Curries, chillis, and stir-fries are my go-to meals, served atop a bed of grain. Since self-isolating, I’ve stress-made my own jam, nut butter, matcha balls, and crackers, and this week I’m hoping to make my first loaf of bread! I’m scared but excited, which seems to be my constant quarantine mood! Going with it!

When it comes to following recipes, sex workers aren’t exactly by-the-book’ers— that’s why we’re sex workers! If we wanted to follow the rules, Karen, we’d work in an office. I suspect most of us eyeball our recipes, if we even cook at all. Well, my friends, now’s the time to blow your own damn mind. Making a meal from scratch is almost always the healthier option, plus leftovers tend to stretch longer than ready-made frozen dishes. Submit yourself like a hungry bottom to the dominance of a cookbook top. When your cooking session aftercare is a hot and delicious meal, that’s *chef’s kiss.*

And darling, are you drinking enough water? I know we all miss being asked “still or sparkling?” on our paid dinner dates, but the time has come to ask and answer the question for yourself. Fluids are key, so hydrate like you’re being paid to squirt.

Whether you live alone, with a partner, a furry child, human children, family, and/or roommates, quarantine is primetime to spring clean and re-arrange the fuck outta your space. Giving all your beloved objects a Lysol wipe down isn’t a bad idea, either. Decluttering your home will help declutter your mind so you can focus on the things that really matter, like is love REALLY blind and what’s the age difference between Mark and Jessica again? I keep forgetting.

Let’s face it: maintaining relationships with lovers (paid or otherwise), friends, and family can be difficult during the best of times, but in quarantine? Oy. Sex worker stigma is socially isolating enough, and now you’ve gotta navigate relationships with the people who know you’re a sex worker and those who don’t. Then, there’s the people who know you’re a sex worker and love you, and the ones who, well, can’t get past their own hangups to accept you. It’s easy to say “fuck ‘em!” on a normal day, but now lives are on the line. If you’re estranged from your family because of your sex work, Erin Taylor’s written an excellent guide on how to engage/not engage with family during the pandemic.

Let’s focus on maintaining communication with the people who love you. Social media? Great! Talking on the phone? A strange new frontier, but also great! Video chatting? Can be done one-on-one or with a group — pretty darn great! Whether analog or digital, stay social, friends. As well, lots of sex worker organizations are offering virtual skill-sharing workshops — like how to transition into online sex work!— so keep your eyes peeled for community opportunities, too.

On the rOmAnCe front, sexy selfies, sexting and phone sex are all having a heyday — and can be done for money. What a time to be alive! If you do decide to engage in physical contact while in quarantine, just remember: the safest sex is the kind you have with yourself OR the people you live with — them’s the rules! Masturbation is also a great immune booster, so go off! 

While maintaining social contact in the time of social distancing is important, so is asserting boundaries with loved ones who aren’t taking the virus seriously. This applies to romantic partners outside of our “germ circle,” but for a lot of us, it’s our parents! The boomers are OUT OF CONTROL. When my mom needs her “freedom” to leave the house for her “mental health,” I want to tell her she’s “grounded” and to “go to her room,” but I can’t. What I can do is provide clear guidelines (like going to the grocery store once a week instead of every other day, for instance), spam her with news articles, and tell her we’ll wind up unable to count the dead if she doesn’t stay inside. To her credit, she’s coming around to all this rule followin’ and doing a great job. She raised me to be a free-spirit after all, and it's clear she has always been one herself.

Most of all, in lieu of loving touch, we’re all in need of kindness right now. Be compassionate, even with the people who annoy you the most. The easiest (and cheapest) way to show love is to dole out compliments like candy with your favourite people: check in and tell ‘em you love ‘em, that they’re hot as hell, and that they’re doing great, sweetie.

Not all sex workers are artists — some of us express our creativity by enjoying art, whether it’s reading books, watching movies, playing video games, listening and dancing to music, and so on. Now, more than ever, is a great time to support your favourite artists (and thanks for supporting us, you beautiful backers!).

Creative people are just as nervous as you are about the future, and constant worry isn’t exactly conducive to art-making. As a sex worker and an artist, I feel pulled between wanting to capture the moment in an ever-changing world, and feeling absolutely, deer-in-headlights, unproductively paralyzed with fear.

I remind myself that my art has never been about anybody else. Concerns like, will my art make money? Be lauded? Win awards? The answer is and always will be, who gives a fuck. My art is unabashedly about me, where I’m at, what I think, and how I feel.

When we can honestly create art about our own unique situations, only then can we touch on the universal experience. That’s why we don’t need to be creating grand pieces of art in isolation — but we should consider expressing ourselves, someway and somehow, in this unique moment in time, for ourselves. Journal, doodle, record sound, whatever — document life now because it won’t always be like this, and it'll feel better to get it out.

Hope this helps. Expect to see this guide in some shape or form in the new, expanded edition of Modern Whore!

We will survive this. Quarantine is just a moment in time, and it too shall pass. And what a story it’ll be when it’s all over. 

With love always,

Andrea xo

Emergency funds for sex workers

The following is an evolving list of sex worker mutual aid funds from across North America. Find a list of International Sex Worker Emergency Funds here. Please donate generously if you're able, and apply for funding if you are a sex worker in need.

Canada

USA


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